Just when you thought nobody could lower the standards of broadcast programming any further, leave it to Fox (the masterminds behind the lie-detector-and-ruined-lives game show “The Moment of Truth”) to unleash “The Osbournes: Reloaded.”
Did anyone watch this repulsive display Tuesday night after “American Idol”? Yes, it was even more repulsive than “Idol” front-runner Danny Gokey. The Osbournes, of course, have already contributed more than their fair share to the decline of Western culture through their eponymous MTV reality show. But this sequel — with a title that aptly references weaponry — delivers what can only be interpreted as a hopeful death blow.
How else can one explain the following? … A ghoulish Sharon Osbourne with blindfolds and dogs (is this German fetish porn?) tricking a man into kissing a grandmother for cash (the horrors! He made out with an octogenarian!). A man blackmailed into marrying his girlfriend live on TV (after he thought he was picked at random from the audience to appear in some “Price is Wrong” challenge with a goth Bob Barker). The Osbournes appearing in painful skits that mainly involve the family members berating innocent citizens with bleeped expletives and — in the case of an Osbourne takeover of fast-food drivethru window — flying French fries.
It’s not just the fact that the Osbournes seem to be rejoicing in their degeneracy, but they’re utterly boring in doing so — I think Jerry Springer might even eject these dull profligates from his oft-flung chairs. Give us something shocking, but give us something entertaining.
I’m not sure Fox’s timing stunt worked, either. The network geniuses started the show at 9:25 after “Idol,” heading off the viewer’s move to another channel. The problem is people could watch five minutes and glean the incipient idiocy of this endeavor, plenty of time to flip channels. Had they started 10 minutes later, other programming would have already commenced; more importantly, we would have been spared another 10 minutes of this mind-numbing refuse.
One can only imagine that after this quick cancellation — or am I giving the viewing public too much credit here? — that the Osbournes will be searching for their third debauched act on the boob tube. A dating show, perhaps? The bat-chomping paterfamilias can pick potential partners for his two kids. Or how about a “Nanny 911” ripoff in which Ozzy and Sharon stride into viewers’ home and tell them how to raise their children?
If all else fails, maybe they’ll let Ozzy try out for “American Idol.” No doubt Paula and Randy will call him pitchy, but Ozzy would certainly be able to hold his own in a war of words with Simon. Whether any of them will be allowed to air uncensored will be another question.
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